How did you choose YOUR husband?

Years ago a friend and I were discussing marriage, hers and mine in particular, and she made a comment I’ll never forget—in fact, one I argued against at the time (something I did quite regularly before I realized I still had a lot to learn!). But as I aged, er—matured, my view-point shifted.

What was so memorable you ask?  Simply this:  “It’s just as easy to marry a rich man as it is a poor one, so why not choose the rich one?”

Well I never! Sound the alarms, sand blast me now, how dare she utter such wicked thoughts. I didn’t marry for money, I married for love.

To insinuate otherwise was insult.  And by my very best friend!  Ugh. The madness.

She allowed me my huffy-puffy routine, but stuck to her guns—as is her nature—and didn’t cave on her position.  “We should have married for money.  Life would be a lot better.”

At the time, I chalked it up to the fact that she and her husband were having financial problems. Young, new baby in the house, she a stay-at-home-mom and he just beginning in his career—things were tight. Perhaps she was just yearning for easier days and restful nights, neither of which she would see for about the next ten years. But three kids will do that to you and I don’t care how much money you have!

However, all was not lost.  You’ll be happy to hear this lovely couple just celebrated their twenty-second wedding anniversary because in the end, their life was rich with love, something money cannot buy.  (It’s more than a cliché!)

Of course my marriage didn’t fare so well, but that’s beside the point. Isn’t it? J

I mean, I’ve also heard that “If you marry for money, you’ll earn every penny.” Not sayin’ that’s what happened to me, but I will say we weren’t hurting from finances. Our issues coalesced around personality differences, not lack of dollar bills.

But I married for love.  I was head-over-heels, deeply engaged in the lifestyle, our prospects—how could little old “happy and in love me” end up divorced?

It’s simple. Marriage is about commitment, nothing more and nothing less. Something I apparently lacked at the time.  Arranged marriages may lack love, but they can still provide for long and fulfilling relationships. Think: partner, associate. Then there are those high school sweethearts you hear about celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversaries with oodles of grandkids in tow despite the fact they were mere children themselves the day they said, “I do.”

And don’t bother to ask the typical trophy wife how her relationship is faring. Yes she wears nice clothes (size 2) and lives in a grand house (on the hill) and while she has no wrinkles (she can’t blink either), is she happily married?  Probably not.

Now about this point in the story I don’t know about you but I’m ready to throw myself from the nearest cliff from an island far, far away, where there is no man to tell me what to do or how to do it, no man to feel the need to please…

But then again, there would be no kids to jump off with me either.  A sad thought.  Ah…but I write romantic women’s fiction so fear not—my stories ALL have happy endings! They must, else I toss myself from the barren rocky hillside for real.

No.  On second thought, scratch that notion. Most likely I’d still be in the islands, the scenery to die for (no pun intended) and of course I’d be escorted to the edge of my precipice by some handsome scrumptious cabana boy! (Do they really exist?) 

They do in my novel world which is good enough for me.  As for the real world, I found my tall, dark and handsome complete with Italian passion and temperament sizzle to match. Two kids, a future of grand babies, life is good in the Venetta household.

Dianne Venetta

Dianne Venetta

Now I have a daughter to consider.  What advice should I give for her big decision?  Marry for love or money?  Get to it while she’s young or wait until she has a bit of sense about her (at least knows who she is before diving into a relationship with some fellow). I’ve grown wise enough to realize that having enough money would indeed eliminate a major stressor in life, but marrying for love adds depth to a person.  It builds character, because trust me, tall, dark and handsome occasionally reverts to ornery, demanding and distant at times and a girl needs inner fortitude if she plans to continue forward with said man!

That said, my second go round is much improved over my first. I chose love—which originated from physical attraction—and then I sought compatibility—based on common values. For us, it works. In fact, this time around I may actually see that golden anniversary, providing I live long enough.

But isn’t that what kids are for? To keep you young? Then again, there’s always my gardening as a fall back plan… I hear many centenarians are gardeners!

So how about you? How did you choose your husband?

p.s. it’s the theme in my current novel, Jennifer’s Garden.


Posted on August 1, 2011, in Blog Posts and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. You’ve chosen one of my favorite topics, Dianne! I love hearing about how couples met and how long they’ve been together. I met my husband in college (we were neighbors) and I married for love and money–not money specifically, but I recognized his drive to succeed and a work ethic that matched my own and it has worked out nicely. I had dated a series of slackers so I recognized the gem in him despite his decades old car and meager finances. We never struggled financially because we never lived above our means. As a matter of fact, I don’t think we’ve ever argued over money–we save that for other things like his driving and leaving his shoes all over the house!

  2. An eye for potential is a noteworthy. Time can work to our advantage. Besides, I always believed it was easier to be poor while I was young than old. Harder to go backward and retirement tends to close in on you 🙂

  3. We’re highschool sweethearts who somehow managed to grow up together while we managed a young family. He’s my partner, my best friend and a terrific father to our two boys. We basically do everything together.

    BTW, I just bought Jennifer’s Garden and it’s now on my Kindle TBR pile. Looking forward to a great read. At this stage in my live, I love relationship books.

  4. Sheila,
    High school sweethearts! That is really nice. I always say I’m glad I didn’t meet my husband in high school!

  5. I got my current husband from the DMV!

  6. From the DMV? Oh, this sounds like an interesting story. Do tell. 🙂

  7. I married my high school sweetheart, and divorced him. Had another 9 year relationship, and left him. 🙂 Moved across the country back home to my hometown, went to visit my mom one day and met the guy that had moved in across the street.

    We’ve been married five years now, and together for 8 1/2. All I had to do was look across the street. 😉

  8. Sharla,
    Sounds like a women’s fiction story!

  9. Laura,
    Tell us about the DMV!

  10. I stalked mine. I can say it wasn’t love at first sight (I was still married..divorcing) so I wasn’t looking for love. I just had the overwhelming urge to get to know this person. We’ve been together 10 years now.

    • Some things are just meant to be. I’m sure the stalking aspect was only with the best of intentions…

      Had to keep track of him somehow!

  11. Yeah, Laura! This I gotta hear.

    I met my husband at my brother’s engagement party. I didn’t like him at all. But, I agreed to a ‘fix-up’ date with him anyway. (OMG, that sounds desperate!) Anyway, the second meeting was the charm. I was attracted to the fact he owned his own business while still in his twenties. He’ll tell you he was attracted to the fact I had a cushy government job with lots of benefits, allowing him to be risky in growing his company. It worked out because this year my husband and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary. Of course, we couldn’t take the big trip like we did for our tenth because we have college tuition to pay, but it just means we can spend more for the trip celebrating our thirtieth. 🙂

  12. I think that’s a great theme for a novel, Dianne.

    One morning when I had just turned eighteen, I met a schoolmate on the bus (I lived in what we called a two-fare zone in Brooklyn … bus to subway)

    When we were in h.s. she made me nuts and I tried to avoid her, but no luck. She dragged me with her to meet her new subway companions. As I reluctantly moved across the subway platform I saw his face. Eyes of amber … black wavy hair and a shy smile

    and no kidding I fell in love at first sight, married him had two kids. We didn’t make it to the 50th but I think I would not have wanted it any other way.

    What did I tell my daughter. Go with your heard, use your head and hopefully somewhere in the middle you’ll find a good fit 🙂

  13. Sorry, Dianne … go with your heart 🙂

  14. Now there’s some good advice!

  15. Very nicely put, Florance!

  16. Catching up on everyone’s stories and realized there is no one single highway to finding your soulmate or discovering your happily-ever-after. Which is why there are so many stories left to be told. (YAY for those of us who love writing AND reading!) And sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.

    Ummm, still waiting to hear about the DMV … 🙂

  17. I definitely married for love. My husband was just going through a divorce when we met and he was definitely not in the market for a second trip down the aisle. But three years later, he finally admitted he’d been in love with me from the start. I never denied that I was!

  18. Coming a little late to the party. My father-in-law is dying and we just had his pacemaker disabled so that he can go “naturally”. What a bad last few months! AACK! Anyway…. I met James at a wedding that my younger sister asked me to attend “if I didn’t have anything better to do”. I didn’t. So after talking with James for a couple of hours I said to myself that he was the man I was going to marry someday. That was in 1986 and it’s 2011…

    • Patti, so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. How tough for you and your family to make that decision. Hugs to you all. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  19. Well, we just got back from the convalescent home where we’ve been since 4:30 this morning when my father-in-law passed away. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, Sheila.

    • so sorry to hear about your father in law, Patti. That is such a hard thing to deal with. Very hard to watch a loved one go. I did that with my mom and although it was a precious moment I’m glad I was there for, it is an image I wish I didn’t have. My prayers for your husband and your family at this very emotional time. Strength to you, girl.

      • Thank you, Sharla. I wasn’t there when my mom and dad passed away. I chose not to be. When I rounded the corner to see Dick in his bed “forever asleep” I thought I’d freak. But I didn’t want James to be alone when he went in there, so I sucked it up. It’s not about me here. Now he’s off to sign papers at the crematorium. AACK!

  20. So difficult…but so fortunate for him he had his family close.

    • Thank you, Diane. My husband’s family are a close-knit family which makes a lot of difference. None of us has to go this alone. I can’t imagine trying to be strong during this time all by myself. Everyone has dealt with death in some way and that’s helpful to me when I hear from people like you and the other women who have been so kind.

%d bloggers like this: