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Am I Selfish?

Am I selfish to want more time for myself, my writing?  Does it make me a bad person that I’m happy my kids are attending summer day camp for the next two weeks?  I mean, I did sign on as Stay-at-Home Mom.  When we married, it was agreed that my husband would assume the work/financial support role while I took on the house and kids.  Eventually it was understood I’d transition back into the workforce, once the kids were out of the house…

But I’m writing and publishing NOW, despite the fact it will be half a dozen years before my youngest moves out to college.  So technically, I’m breaking the agreement.  But I can’t help it.  I love to write.  I want to write.  And something needs to fill my days other than household chores, else I go mad.

So it’s with enthusiasm and joy that I dropped my kids off at the camp this morning.  I’m starting a new project, looking forward to a new release… 

Life is good.  Life is fulfilling.  Yet I feel guilty.  Okay, I don’t harbor a LOT of guilt, but I do have some.  Is it me?  Am I alone? 

I know mothers who work “outside” the home experience a conflict between duties, families and chores pulling at them as bosses and coworkers do the same.  But in my case, I’m bringing this upon myself.  Voluntarily.  I don’t HAVE to work.  I WANT to work.  I’m happier when I work, creating, sharing.  I need to work.  It’s an outlet.  It keeps me sane.  Yet sometimes, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m “sneaking” it in between the layers of my real life.

Maybe when I earn enough to support myself and the family I won’t feel this way.  Maybe not.  I’m not sure.  I’m conflicted.  Anyone else feel the same?

 

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